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Designer: Joan Tong
Image: SilverPoot
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time just keeps flowing endlessly without a pause in its movements.. no matter how u try.. how u fought.. how u struggled.. everything will continue.. we are all but nothing on the map.. insignificant.. is that the reason why no matter what happens to u the world continues to revolve? is that really the reason.. no one know.. or rather no one faces it.. everyone or rather most have their world centered on themselves.. selfishly.. but is that bad? is it intolerable? or rather is the right thing to do..

life in jc has just past like a flash.. it barely felt real.. or is it even real? is it nothing more than a dream that is fake.. what have happened in these 2 years.. nothing but pain and sorrow? everything expect happiness? life is not real.. nothing but a mere dream.. a true wish.. a true yearning.. is nothing but crap.. life waits for no one.. A's wait for nothing.. all over.. over and all.. it feels unreal.. end of the beginning and yet to a new beginning which foresees a new end.. an end is nothing to look forward to as it only means a new end..

end of a beginning..
yet the start of a new end..









17 May.. the day where everything in boarding ends.. it only seems like yesterday since i arrived at the boarding school looking like an idiot with nothing in mind.. blur.. don know what to do.. making silly mistakes like entering the girls floor unknowingly.. ended up scolded.. but nevertheless made new friends, including the one who scolded me.. funny.. supposedly enemy becomes a friend.. life certainly is funny.. unexpected stuff happens and goes..


life in there was hectic due to the presence of a "power station" aka "singapore power" aka "sp".. late while scolding us for being late when we went off for awhile since she was not there.. could never forget that sia.. restrictions and more restrictions.. that is the main feeling of one being there.. reinforcment of rules and more rules.. return for dinner at 6pm if not have to apply for late arrival.. off-premises leave.. everything you do, paperwork has to be done.. whats more is that all the stuff are not out yet.. the gym.. the computer room.. the fitness corner.. the library.. the games room.. what a library without books and games room with no games.. its kinda lame..

boarding school is nothing but a nice name.. the actual feeling is that of a prison.. unabel to anything.. even sleeping time is defined for you.. over protective society.. it will lead to nothing but spolit and rebellious behaviour.. but nevertheless it was a special experience which you would not get easily.. though it may not be pleasant due to some.. but there others who make it better..

the last day was especially fun as we total heck everything and break all the rules haha.. we dint even sleep.. gossipping.. chatting.. eventually hearing about the ghost story that day.. making everyone shiver and scared.. then everything ended which a breakfast which many overslept..

life is nothing but an experience..
experience is nothing but memories..
memories are nothing but data in the mind..
so what exactly is life..









doppelganger is someone that looks exactly like you.. but lives a totally different life from you.. one is said to have 2-3 doppelganger living in the entire world.. one should be unable to meet the other doppelganger but if they do, both will die a horrible death.. do you wish to see yours? or have you seen others'?

i have.. i did.. it was a while since i saw it.. my friend's doppelganger.. i thought it was fake.. i thought i was just being too excited.. too nervous.. but i saw it again.. that makes it twice i saw it.. it maybe just someone alike.. for that look was when she was in sec 2.. and wad more the person is in a secondary school as well.. kinda freaky isnt it.. but yet it was mesmerising looking at the person seeing how similar they are.. how similar they behave.. how similar they portray themselves.. cant help but notice her over and over again.. even their hairstyle is the same..

the first time was the VJC.. the harmoc exchange.. i was enjoying the music when i suddenly spotted someone so familiar.. i was shocked.. she should not have been there.. she cant be there.. the doppelganger was a secondary school kid.. but my friend was the same age as me.. moreover the school was different..

the second was at our SYF.. this time was even more freaky.. i was clearly very calm and still she still looks the same as my friend.. it was not a dream but real.. but it is really possible for such similar people to exist at the same time even though its at a different time frame? what will happen if they meet.. what will happen when they grow up.. what will happen in the future.. nothing can be predicted.. the future is undetermined.. so seize the things precious to you before they get snatched away.. before the opportunity disappears..

have you seen yours?
will you meet one?
undetermined..
uncertainities..

be scared..
be afraid..
for once you die..
you will never get the chance again..










i have said it once.. said it twice.. even thrice but it does not sink in.. to be exact, it does not even appear in real life.. it is nothing more then a fraction of my imagination.. nothing more, nothing less.. craziness.. insanity.. that is wad that is constantly evolving around in me.. illusions, delusions, split personality.. i don know to say about myself anymore.. sometimes it does not even seem like me.. but yet i know its me.. for this is me.. a unique yet common individual.. i am me..

sometimes things are obvious enough for me to realise it without u telling me, yelling it to me.. or even taking it and smacking it in my face.. i know wad i am doing.. i know wad i am thinking.. i am not a blur idiot that only stands there stoning.. there is no point in forcing something.. no point in telling me something of the future, present or past.. it is merely something useless and unnecessary.. i do not need such a thing.. neither do i want such a thing.. life is tiring, boring, something that is.. 2012 prediction.. if only its true.. if only its real.. not just a prediction.. of something that seems so fake.. so obviously a mad scientist's idea or theory..

syf.. nothing more.. nothing less than a "stomach of anger".. imagine how hard we practised.. remember the hard work and effort placed in perfecting our scores.. dynamics.. emotions.. sitting arrangement.. even our attire and our presentation.. make-up!! its damn insane.. all we got is silver but its not the silver that anger us.. it is the overall result that everyone got silver.. cant they even differentiate the good and the best?! might as well just scrap the judging and just give everyone a COP.. saying wad that there are different grades of silver? giving us the purity ar? lame shit.. i do not care that if we are not the best but is it the fact that they did not give an answer to us.. quoting from from pos, "its like waiting for an answer for 100 years, only to hear the answer i don know".. its lame, seriously lame.. make so many of our friends cry.. its not worth it.. just not worth it.. if the tears are shedded over not being the best, i will gladly cry along for the effort we placed in.. but for a no answer, seriously forget it.. they should be glad that their face has no harmoc mark on it.. come on octave, don care over it.. if u need to vent just throw our harmoc at them, we got 2 chances at them sia unlike the other sections.. feels bad for pos and hb.. i cant take girls crying.. i will get into a personality that is unlike me.. too concerned.. too..

laser quest.. have you play it before? i just did for the night adventure in the boarding school.. this kinda made everything worth it.. i was even late for the event, meeting the "power station" at gate.. a miracle that she dint even bother scolding me.. running around with the laser gun was tiring but yet fun.. tactics are typically just for show, only to be improve upon on execution.. cover fire.. friendly fire.. the number of times i was killed by enemy fire < number of times killed by friendly fire.. it was fun.. especially if you have alot of ppl playing around with you.. solaris rock sia.. champions again..

if only the world dies..
everything will be better..
no problems, no nothing..
if only..

the experiences..
the fun and laughter..
are the things that are really important..
but its the medal that proved they existed..









tired.. I am really very tired.. unreasonable demands.. unreasonable wishes.. unreasonable desires. this world is full of unreasonable stuffs that we have to do, have to strive for but the ironic thing is that I don really even desire any of it.. it's just my responsibility.. it's just my character.. it just me.. those that I really wish to do, wanted, desire, wished for, never came true. countless of times, I have hoped.. hoped.. and hoped again.. only to have my hopes and dreams crushed and trampled upon.. is this world really one that makes you happy? strive for happiness, think positive, it will come true one day, if you placed enough hard work, results will appear.. countless of times I have heard these words.. no matter much I tried to believe, eventually it will numb as such words ever shows the truth is says.. that is if it holds any truth within.. the real is the fake.. the fake is the real.. so which one is real and which is fake..

I am tired of everything. I want to throw down everything and just die. nothing seems real to me anymore. a day is a dream. or should I say dreams seems more real than reality. is this really reality, one which crushes all your hopes and dreams? if that is so I rather that I stay asleep for eternity and never to awake again. tired.. I wanna give up.. I wanna forget.. if only time can be reversed.. nothing like this sort would have happen.. I would avoid it.. prevent it.. if only..

i know what you mean.. i know what you are saying.. i know it.. i just know it.. even before you say that word.. even before you thought of it.. the moment you look at me.. i knew.. but its still hard to accept it.. i know.. escaping is never really a way to solve the problem.. over time the problem will ascend.. it will get worse until it can never be solved.. but still.. still.. i tried.. i really did.. i am really tired.. tired of all this.. cant everything just restart? or just let it end..

dreams are meant to be enjoyed..
not to be mixed up..
reality are meant to be slapped straight in your face..
not to be missing from your life..

to start, take efforts..
to continue, takes even more effort..
but..
to end it, it is torturous..









a new year.. new beginnings.. new dreams.. new future.. is this all really true? not only once but twice.. i have been reminded of my past.. once on 105 travelling back home.. a route that i have not touch in more than a year.. again on the bus.. my pri sch mate which i haven met for ages..

all these reminded me of the past.. remember the class when i just entered sch.. self introduction and eventually leading up to what kind of dreams do you have.. my past dream.. i remembered clearly.. it was to become a doctor.. never knew how foolish it was until i grew older.. the reality is harsher than it looks.. results is everything it seems.. at that time.. without good results u get nothing.. no dreams.. no future.. now its even worse.. not only good result.. recommendation letters and many other stuff is now needed..
if reality is good to u, it means it just luring u in deeper to crush you.. it has always been harsh.. never has it been once good to me.. not once.. not the past.. not in the present.. and most likely not in the future..

dreams.. again reminds me of the endless dreams i had since last year until now.. many dreams be it nightmare or happy dreams.. i cant never remember all of it even if i just woke up from it a moment ago.. like the present happiness in front of you.. it will just vanish.. but dreams that give a very sour feeling, i can always remember it, no matter how long it was ago.. just like the sorrow and pain.. no matter how hard you tried to shake it away.. it just stays..

as i recalled those dreams.. i never failed to become quiet and remain silent as i know one of these days, a even worser dream will appear.. or worse.. coming true in reality.. its fate.. its destiny.. one which i cant escape from.. no matter how hard i try.. i am a unrealistic person.. i always mix up reality and dreams.. there is once i woke up from a dream.. sad.. i was nearly in tears.. it took me a while before realising it was just a big scam.. a scam called dream.. but i still remember the dream.. vividly.. and who was involved.. the one who can affect me that much.. the main character along with another.. another... another.. another..

but yet dreams have so much alternative endings.. the same dream could lead up to how many endings.. almost unlimited.. i suppose.. afterall its a dream.. one should not take it seriously.. but i cant.. it feels too real.. too real.. emotional pain is much worser than physical pain..

i heard your words and his..
i saw your hands and his..
i felt the pain..
i walked away..

i could still feel your warmth in my arms..
i could still see the pain in your eyes..
i could still remember your word you said..
but all i could do is hold you gently, close to me..









have you ever regreted something in your life? regreted that you should not have done that? regreted that you did not seize that opportunity in front of you? regreted that you could have done more, done better?

i have regrets.. regrets in my life.. regrets for 2008..

i regreted ever coming to a jc..
i regreted joining 2 ccas..
i regreted ever trying to take on alot of stuff..
i regreted ever trying to accomplish feats that i have never tried..
i regreted keeping a secret of who i hate..
i regreted keeping a combi with i don like..
i regreted trying hard on something which i have no talent at..
i regreted not sticking to my basis..
i regreted avoiding the topic of my thoughts..
i regreted giving in to the slightest fear of failure..
i regreted trying my best for something that will never come true..
i regreted lying about lying..
i regreted not giving my best at my studies..
i regreted spending time on stupid things..
i regreted not waiting..
i regreted that i pursued everlasting..
i regreted i gave up something for nothing..
i regreted saying things that hurt..
i regreted my behaviour..
i regreted making wrong choices in life..
i regreted in trying to become an E person..
i regreted trying to just say it..
i regreted ever meeting people..
i regreted i was ever born..
i regreted changed my character on the surface..
i regreted for not taking things seriously..
i regreted for living my life like a dream..
i regreted for ever posting my last post..
i regreted..

regrets.. everyone has them.. its just the difference in amount.. in numbers.. and how much you regreted.. this post is partially dedicated to someone important in my life.. someone which has made a difference for just being there..[actually everyone did so] but this person attempted to make a difference.. which not many does.. nor is it significant to me.. at least..

the person once said to me"no one tags doesn't mean no one reads your blog. don't know how to cheer you up/change your perspective but remember you've friends like us. true friends. we wont disappear after graduation(if i get to graduate) & go separate ways. we will meet up, i promise. goodbyes are inevitable, but comes will still come. dont be afraid of opening up & getting hurt, cause at least you tried, and it happened. everything happens for a reason, including geeting to know people you know now, out of so many in the world. have faith in yourslef, cause others will never lose faith in you. good things fall apart so that better things can fall together." i was surprised at this.. surprised as the randomness of it.. surprised at the length of it.. abit too long winded ar.. i thought i will die before finish reading it.. k sorry for posting up ur words.. just felt tat i have to mention you.. someone who is special to me.. among all my friends, only 2 have become considered my best friends.. which i don hide anything.. one is lost forever.. i doubt he even recognises me now.. the other is you.. i mention it to you before.. if you still remembers.. thanks for all these kind words.. though i doubt i can heed them.. afterall i am pretty stubborn.. too stubborn for my own good.. but thats me.. its something that makes me, me.. thanks for your concern.. thanks for your time.. thanks for the randomness.. thanks for the thoughts.. many thanks which i shall not say, since it will take up too much space..

because of these words.. i regreted.. regreted for ever posting up that stupid post.. for making you worry.. i am sorry..

this are my regrets for year 2008.. those that i wish for it to have never happened.. to never exist.. and with this, happy new year to everyone of you out there.. enjoy 2009 since its here and 2008 has left forever..

time is something that never waits..
regrets are something that always exist..
chances are something that never waits..
choices are something that always exists..

forever waiting..
waiting forever..
for something..
for..









i wonder how long have i since regain this feeling.. feeling of loneliness and unwantedness.. it just refuses to disappear no matter how i try..
insane gaming..
multiply outings..
coping in the room..
exercising..
and many others..

it just refuses to disappear.. i am alone.. one person.. no matter how they say.. "we will always be friends".. "if anything, call me".. "lets go countdown for Christmas".. i know deep within my heart that i wan to be friends.. i wan to call.. i wan to go.. but.. i never did.. i rejected.. i.. it was always the same ending no matter the route i take..
long bus ride around singapore.. eventually reaching home..
long mrt route.. eventually reaching home..
long walk.. eventually reaching home..

the destination is always the same, no matter how many other places u reach.. no matter how many memories are forged.. no matter how many bonds are forged.. no matter how many tears and blood that we sweat together.. no matter how we reach a mutual understanding.. no matter how we argued and eventually became better friends.. no matter how.. the ending is still the same.. parting of ways.. eventually forgotten.. memories are forgotten.. bonds are broken.. friends are lost.. its has always been so.. i have seen it many times.. eventually it will be so with my current friends.. that day will arrive sooner or later.. the feeling of loneliness creeps up to me each time i thought about it.. no matter how hard i shake it off.. it is always there to remind me not to overstep the boundary and become too close.. u may not know it.. i always try to keep u all from becoming too close to me.. a self erected barrier.. an impenetrable barrier..

alone is much easier.. no pain of separation.. no feelings of anxiety for others.. no nothing.. i wan to be alone.. alone.. afterall i cant interact well.. interaction is a pain.. something i should avoid at all costs.. but why am i doing the opposite.. when i know the obvious outcome.. regrets..

wishing everyone a happy Christmas eve and Christmas.. one which i will spend alone.. the cold weather exactly depicts my feelings..

a sense of loneliness..
a sense of sadness..
a sense of sorrow..
how to stop it..

repeating the same mistakes..
even though its obvious..
why..
i cant help it..









saw this on silvesta blog so might as well do one since i have so much free time.. haha how untrue is some.. especially the seriousness of your love.. is damn insulting to my personality.. some are true though.. and some are "omg really?! i didnt know i was like that.." lol somehow ifeel that this test is made for a girl? since like all the other quiz on the site is like for girls.. weird..

Your view on yourself:
Other people find you very interesting, but you are really hiding your true self. Your friends love you because you are a good listener. They'll probably still love you if you learn to be yourself with them.

The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:
You are a true romantic. When you are in love, you will do anything and everything to keep your love true.

Your readiness to commit to a relationship:
You are ready to commit as soon as you meet the right person. And you believe you will pretty much know as soon as you might that person.

The seriousness of your love:
You like to flirt and behave seductively. The opposite sex finds this very attractive, and that's why you'll always have admirers hanging off your arms. But how serious are you about choosing someone to be in a relationship with?

Your views on education:
Education is less important than the real world out there, away from the classroom. Deep inside you want to start working, earning money and living on your own.

The right job for you:
You're a practical person and will choose a secure job with a steady income. Knowing what you like to do is important. Find a regular job doing just that and you'll be set for life.

How do you view success:
You are afraid of failure and scared to have a go at the career you would like to have in case you don't succeed. Don't give up when you haven't yet even started! Be courageous.

What are you most afraid of:
You are concerned about your image and the way others see you. This means that you try very hard to be accepted by other people. It's time for you to believe in who you are, not what you wear.

Who is your true self:
You are full of energy and confidence. You are unpredictable, with moods changing as quickly as an ocean. You might occasionally be calm and still, but never for long.









collection 1(22 nov)
lol dragged myself up at 7plus in order to help in newspaper collection.. was thinking that they need help.. but how wrong was i? quite wrong actually.. 1st block 474.. its was like so fast.. everything was completed within mins.. same goes for most blocks..

after lunch was giving out the flyers to blocks.. done in sections since lunch was with section.. cant believe hweebun and junyang actually went for lunch with their group first without waiting for us.. rah.. finished quite early.. far reach from what they expecet.. 5pm.. done at around 3pm.. then its discussion to go when.. to play.. guess where we end up? end up in huimin's friend's house playing asshole tadee with some playing mahjong..

i cant believe how similar life in all the aspect of various parts of my life.. sudden realisation.. when you are close to something, something will just pop up, blocking your way.. never allowing you to approach or proceed forward..

ironic.. my heart desires something and yet it desires it to never appear.. why so?

collection 2(29 nov)
to be done in section.. is that a thing to be happy? not to be if there was only 4 coming.. with shi rui's help, only 5 ppl.. 6 blocks is too much.. even 5 was hard.. in the end we only did 3 blocks.. we are too shorthanded.. dimissed after lunch..

after lunch to junyang's house.. from around 2pm we play bridge all the way until 6.30pm.. my legs ache..

desire..
desire to be torn..
desire to be held..
desires...

happy yet hurt..
hurt yet happy..
why..
i don know to smile or to cry..