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Designer: Joan Tong
Image: SilverPoot
Layout: Blogskins
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dry run 3.. 3 times the boredom.. 3 times the speed of presentation.. 3 times the problems.. 3 times the agony, 3 times of nervousness.. 3 times the... this list can go on and on and on ( x infinity).. i hate dry runs.. but they are necessary to prepare us for OP.. sianz.. let me try countdown.. 4thnov OP at 9 am.. around 5 days left.. juz 1 more insist on it.. 1 more insist to the end.. end of the old beginning but yet the beginning of a new end.. we are all in this together.. we are not alone.. juz that some of us may end earlier, some will end later but eventually, all of us will reach the end.. where a new beginning awaits us.. but why the new beginning holds so much uncertainties..? can't it juz be a beginning that will be happy? why will there be fear and sadness in it.. no matter what, i want to be there, be there for you.. even if it will end up with juz more crazy behaviours and emoing.. go ahead and laugh.. go ahead and ignore.. go ahead and scream.. i will be there.. juz there..

some say ignorance is bliss..
some say ignorance is a sin..
so wad is it..
the answer lies within you..

the beginning of the end..
the end of a beginning..
awaiting for the answer..
that will not come..









once again, the school never fail [not] to surprise me.. an entire day was wasted.. okay half a day to be exact.. another sianz day.. PW dry run 3 is tomorrow.. why is there so many dry runs? 3? wasn't it supposed to be 2 initially? why is there a third? is it cuz we are like too weak? stage fright is not something u can overcome with just practices.. same goes for feelings.. u cant juz change it.. time is needed.. of course the length will depend on the person.. for me, i think i will take years.. stage fright has been with me for as long as i remember.. remove it? or keep it? but i don think the choice lies with me.. preferred to treat it like a parent.. when i am matured enough, it will leave by itself.. i hope.. but hope is just a way to comfort yourself.. so time to stop hoping and let your actions show your resolve..

my bad record has once again been mentioned.. haha.. but ur intuitions were correct.. i was doing it.. but juz at that moment i wasn't doing it only ma.. haha..

smiles are meant to be given..
care is meant to be shared..
love is meant to be accepted..
tears are meant to be swallowed..

even if it will not be returned..
i wanna keep giving..
even if it will not be an outcome..
i wanna chase after it..









lol was looking at a visual novel and came across this.. so juz post it up since it fits my blog theme so much.. edited it abit to suit my emotions.. haha..

a world, surface of white..
snow..
yes snow..
continuing to fall even now, it covers my body in white..
ahhh..
what am i doing in such a world..
since when have i been alone in this place..
buried in snow was my hand..
that hand, it was holding something..
pulled it up..
a hand of pure white..
it was a hand..
but whose is it?









why are humans so indecisive? no matter how you disagree with this, you will find that deep within your heart, you are indecisive.. search within your soul for the answer, the reason for this behaviour.. but that's one which you do not find but told to you by your close friends.. so have you found the reason? not me.. what does this imply? i don wan to say it.. i don wan to admit it.. i don wan to know.. i just wan it to remain the same.. yet why i wan it to proceed.. indecisiveness.. yet proven again..

find the resolve.. seek it.. but that is yet something i wan to create and yet don wish for it to be created.. create for hope.. yet its creation implies more disappointment.. why? so shall it be formed? i don know..

seek, will you find it?
ask, will it be given to you?
knock, will it be opened?
wish, will it come true?

just want to remain ignorant..
just want to remain the same..
just want to remain distinct..
yet i can't bare it..









totally unable to control.. juz like the guns i touch today.. all i can do is find the target, aimed and give my best shot at it.. but all i get will only be a recoil.. no results.. efforts placed are not enough.. or did i place not enough, the efforts? ignored.. or avoided? all i can do is look, afraid of being seen.. afraid to say.. afraid to try.. will such obstacles continue to lie on my path?

obstacles are always there.. it is juz whether do you overcome them.. is it juz me or is the path that lies beyond me is shrouded with obstacles that i feared.. juz one wrong move is enough to end everything.. don dare to proceed.. this is not a game.. which you can press the reset button.. no 2nd chance.. no nothing.. beat down on it? or get beat down?

are obstacles meant to be overcome? or are they meant to overcome u?
unable to do anything.. juz wanna give up.. yet something within me pushes on unknowingly..

feelings of lost..
lost of feeling..
fear it..
yet seek it..

lost in a path of darkness..
but i believed..
what lies beyond the darkness..
is a destiny i want embraced..









it has always been so.. unable to reach, unable to express, unable to do anything.. why is it always.. its a choice isn't it? a choice to reach out and grasp or to just stay silent.. why i juz always have to choose the silent option.. is it cuz of fear, cuz of shy or rejection? or all of them.. i don know.. why juz cant i attempt it again? is it juz because of what i said in the past? one wrong move.. eternal atonement.. i want to become stronger.. strong enough to beat down all my weakness..

will you snap out of delusion or will the world snap out of its delusion?

in delusion.. trying to trick myself to believing.. that everything will go what its supposed to go.. but i know everything is nothing but an illusion.. its all fake.. i knew it yet i still held on to it as its the only glimmer of hope i could see.. hope is nothing but a way to comfort yourself.. so why.. i rather remain in delusion.. rather than waking up to reality.. or is it juz another delusion of mine.. the line between reality and delusions is blurred..

will my world become that of which is reflected in her eyes?
and
will her world become that of which is reflected in my eyes?
probably not..or should i say 100%..

nothing but a fool..
everything but a saint..
something but useless..
what will u be..?

just a tiny wish..
just a small action..
just a day..
will you grant it..?









officially this has now reach a week old.. kinda surprised that i kept posting each day.. there is juz too much.. too little time.. i wan more time.. not only time but contact time.. miss the days with nothing but free time.. if only i can get those days back.. i will use it wisely.. as if that i will get it back.. nothing but a tiny wish of mine..

omg open day is crap la.. with barely a couple of people around.. lol our lunch(dinner) at swensen was so XXX.. totally broke ar.. my wallet is bleeding.. so painful ar.. my wallet need blood donation.. any? looking at how jiaying and huiteng kill the bread was really.. oh my star star star star star[*****].. totally horrible.. painful ar if the bread is alive.. i really don wan to see them become doctors or worse enter an operation room seeing them as the one operating.. i think i will faint on the spot..

ignored or shall i say being too sensitive.. nothing to done at all.. juz wanted to create happy memories.. is that really impossible? juz because of what i said? anyway what did i say? is this all juz a delusion? going crazy.. all i hope to see is a smile.. but what i seen is a frown.. unlucky i supposed? or is it a hint? or is it a wish? i don know and i don wan to know.. crap or truth? figure it out yourself.. or should i say don bother.. since there will be no answer.. my world does not revolves around you.. but i wan it to be and yet don wan it to be.. such irony.. why?

air-headed at times and yet knowledgeable..
unrelated and yet totally related..
ignored and yet noticed..
love it and yet hate it..

secrets are meant to be shared..
thoughts are meant to be hidden..
kindness are meant to be shown..
love is meant to be given..

even if like in the show, someone precious to me has turned evil and trys to kill me, i doubt i will resist though most people will definitely say defend or run away or be killed since being able to be killed by ur loved one is kinda happy thing.. resistance is not my strength but a deadweight that i carry.. lol i am not that strong to be able to kill my precious someone because of such a thing.. but i will kill the person to stop them from sinning.. before committing suicide to join them.. kinda of crazy but that what i believe.. love is nothing but something u say, only actions can prove it..

to be able to kill is a desire..
to be able to protect is strength..
to be able to be killed is bliss..
to be able to be true is will..

love and hate is nothing..
but two sides of a coin..
love it..
hate it..

a day of practice.. a day of failure.. once again my words came true.. the more the efforts you place in, the lesser you will get back.. why is this always so? nervousness is something that i have always lost against.. its like an ant fighting an elephant.. near impossible task.. fate is something you can't seem to run away from.. no matter how many struggles i attempt, to escape, its all futile.. felt so helpless and powerless.. need a source of strength.. who or what can be it? i don know..

misunderstood.. seem that the one in confusion is me.. confused in my directions.. where am i heading..? i don know.. my world revolves around you.. make the decision.. i shall comply.. what path that i am led on, i will take.. with my best.. for its the path you chose for me..

the decision is yet to be decided.. what to do? i don know.. reason to quit or stay is the same.. such irony.. what to do? i don know.. i don know anything..

if only i know the thoughts..
if only i never enter..
if only i chosen another..
if only..

Faked a smile..
Swallowed my tears..
Held the pain..
Forced to carry on..









have you experienced hell? i did.. not once but twice in a day.. the day of awakening.. awakening to my weakness and the beliefs that i had forgotten.. lost control again.. only to regain it.. amazed at how she is able to ignore all the fears i am feeling.. or is it juz a act.. i don know.. complete confusion.. wad to do? only to wait.. or is it that she is juz toying with my world? like a god playing with his creations.. i don know.. i don wan to know.. i juz wan everything to remain the same.. if possible, to improve.. but nothing ever goes my way.. it will only worsen i supposed..

first hell was my econs.. 100% efforts.. 100% failure.. perfect U.. how true is my words.. lost all emotions.. all i wan is to seek a place for solitude to cry.. but all i have is my phone.. which gave up on me.. forced to swallow my tears, fake a smile and carry on.. no matter how much improvements that seem to appear, its juz a transfer.. nothing has changed.. juz more sorrow and tears awaiting at the end of the rainbow..
next hell.. tech run for harmoc.. scorching hell on the stage.. are u sure we should wear black? free barbecue for the sec 4s ar? stage fright ar?! mistakes are occurring at a higher frequency.. i think? could it be the lack of scores? or being in the first row.. hell? being in the first row is really very nerve-whacking for me.. nervous.. first time.. i am juz a noob.. why am i in front? neither am i good looking.. so why? don get it?

lol after the "hot run", it was a "cold run". island creamery(did i spell correctly? lol who cares).. slowest eater.. come on.. enjoy the ice cream.. wan it to numb all my feelings.. wads the rush.. k i know after the "cold run", you wan some HOT day[date].. k i chomp down, resulting in my poor brain freeze.. really did numb.. but it thaw after the run for the bus..

OP training 1
with 1 asleep... 1 emoing.. training=failure.. left 3 of us.. and a spectator [okay should say 2 since edlyn came and joined in].. complete success[not] for the practice.. with yj and jy [un]sure of what they are saying.. like i am in any good shape.. with my stupid hand movements, manner of speech and the tendency to forgot.. what the hell.. why does the info keep getting lost.. is my mind like a maze? confusion illness is really getting to me.. hope for the best for tmr's dry run 1.. and of course our WR is like.. hai.. life sucks..

why does it seem that my posts are getting longer.. shit i am getting long-winded.. like a old man.. should stop it..

braving through the storm..
aiming for the rainbow..
hoping to find a pot of gold..
only to find a pot of sorrow..

with each smile..
the skies clears..
with each frown..
the storms rises..









life is nothing but a game.. which u can only lose.. no matter how much u achieve, there will always lie a path of destruction.. efforts from 10am to 2am is all wasted.. from juz how the teachers comment.. with no mood to cheer myself up.. PW, efforts input is juz as wasted with no EE but lots of AE and ME.. i wonder what was all the hard work for previously.. efforts is inversely proportional to results.. juz like in the past.. nothing has changed.. sorry, i shall repeat.. it has changed.. not for the better but for the worse.. this is crazy..

finally success with the birthday singing but silvesta was not around.. hey come on, juz practising 3 songs is like kinda of boring.. though i was kinda out of shape with my harmoc.. so many wrong notes.. why are we like shifted to the middle.. felt so out of place.. hai.. HELL why am i in the first row?! i am out of shape! OUT OF SHAPE! you get what i am saying?! i am so gonna screw up the performance.. lol today's PE was still dance and more dance.. come on i cant dance at all.. its like asking a sheep to fly? juz like trying to disgrace me man.. stupid PE dept.. math lectures are officially sleep inducing lectures.. fall asleep almost every lecture.. crazy ar.. wanna die ar? i got couple of weird seniors.. suddenly come take photo with me.. weird.. dare? or juz being lame? either way i don care..

totally lost my control of myself.. i dint wanna express it in such a way but yet i did so.. why? why juz cant i control my own emotions.. my world is now totally revolves around you and only you.. juz a grace from you is enough to make my day.. juz a frown is enough to sink me deep in despair.. i wanna stop all this.. but yet not.. ironic isn't it? hope is nothing but a way to comfort yourself.. one wrong move is all it takes to destroy your entire life.. shall i quit? back to the same question i posed to myself.. the same reason to stay.. the same reason to quit..

wanna give in to despair..
wanna give up..
wanna forget..
wanna..

ignored twice yet i harbour hopes..
with a smile awaiting at the end..
only to be utterly dashed with a frown..
nothing left to hope for..

omg! is this the third post already? dint i just say time will not be dedicated in my first post 3 days ago? and its seems that everyday i am posting?! WTH?! waaa junyang so pro la.. like can predict all my movements, all my methods to sing birthday songs failed... he escaped all.. rah nevertheless tmr he will not escape hahaha.. i shall triumph in the end.. haha..
not bad huh? my class rock man.. both chem and phy had significant improvements.. lol especially my phy MCQ... lol from the last in class to the middle.. kinda happy.. omg there is a pro shit in my class.. already top 2 subjects le... its crazy... will i be able to catch up by next year? i sure hope so..

i was blessed with a smile... a smile that meant nothing to her but everything to me..
i wanna tell her yet where is my courage..
what am i supposed to do?
i don know..
will someone tell me?

i am feeling sad again..
i wanna cry but i chose to swallow it down..
i wanna give up..
but yet the smile kept me on..









hai life is so tiring man.. early in the morning with cca participation.. sianz was late by quite alot.. good thing they didnt leave me behind.. though we had to comb like quite a number of units which drains our energy but yet its fun? lol my partner was actually scared of cats la haha... she is so gonna die if she had stayed in canteen during greenlink camp with the number of cats there.. haha wanna see that scene.. hai more PW stuff coming up.. OP is coming, open house is coming, everything is coming.. wad kind of sad life do we have... sianz sooner or later this blog will be found out.. lol this is juz the second day... come on... as if they will find this.. since i will eventually say it out.. haha









todae marks the day that this blog comes into existence. but time and effort will not be dedicated.. sad for this blog huh? life is so sad.. studies, exams, promos, relationships, ccas and mental stress.. how can one take on all this..