tHiS WoRLd iS fiLLeD WiTh sAddNeSs

the end

2009-12-01T23:20:00.002+08:00

time just keeps flowing endlessly without a pause in its movements.. no matter how u try.. how u fought.. how u struggled.. everything will continue.. we are all but nothing on the map.. insignificant.. is that the reason why no matter what happens to u the world continues to revolve? is that really the reason.. no one know.. or rather no one faces it.. everyone or rather most have their world centered on themselves.. selfishly.. but is that bad? is it intolerable? or rather is the right thing to do..

life in jc has just past like a flash.. it barely felt real.. or is it even real? is it nothing more than a dream that is fake.. what have happened in these 2 years.. nothing but pain and sorrow? everything expect happiness? life is not real.. nothing but a mere dream.. a true wish.. a true yearning.. is nothing but crap.. life waits for no one.. A's wait for nothing.. all over.. over and all.. it feels unreal.. end of the beginning and yet to a new beginning which foresees a new end.. an end is nothing to look forward to as it only means a new end..

end of a beginning..
yet the start of a new end..

the boarding

2009-05-21T21:27:00.004+08:00

17 May.. the day where everything in boarding ends.. it only seems like yesterday since i arrived at the boarding school looking like an idiot with nothing in mind.. blur.. don know what to do.. making silly mistakes like entering the girls floor unknowingly.. ended up scolded.. but nevertheless made new friends, including the one who scolded me.. funny.. supposedly enemy becomes a friend.. life certainly is funny.. unexpected stuff happens and goes..

life in there was hectic due to the presence of a "power station" aka "singapore power" aka "sp".. late while scolding us for being late when we went off for awhile since she was not there.. could never forget that sia.. restrictions and more restrictions.. that is the main feeling of one being there.. reinforcment of rules and more rules.. return for dinner at 6pm if not have to apply for late arrival.. off-premises leave.. everything you do, paperwork has to be done.. whats more is that all the stuff are not out yet.. the gym.. the computer room.. the fitness corner.. the library.. the games room.. what a library without books and games room with no games.. its kinda lame..

boarding school is nothing but a nice name.. the actual feeling is that of a prison.. unabel to anything.. even sleeping time is defined for you.. over protective society.. it will lead to nothing but spolit and rebellious behaviour.. but nevertheless it was a special experience which you would not get easily.. though it may not be pleasant due to some.. but there others who make it better..

the last day was especially fun as we total heck everything and break all the rules haha.. we dint even sleep.. gossipping.. chatting.. eventually hearing about the ghost story that day.. making everyone shiver and scared.. then everything ended which a breakfast which many overslept..

life is nothing but an experience..
experience is nothing but memories..
memories are nothing but data in the mind..
so what exactly is life..

the doppleganger

2009-05-09T22:45:00.000+08:00

doppelganger is someone that looks exactly like you.. but lives a totally different life from you.. one is said to have 2-3 doppelganger living in the entire world.. one should be unable to meet the other doppelganger but if they do, both will die a horrible death.. do you wish to see yours? or have you seen others'?

i have.. i did.. it was a while since i saw it.. my friend's doppelganger.. i thought it was fake.. i thought i was just being too excited.. too nervous.. but i saw it again.. that makes it twice i saw it.. it maybe just someone alike.. for that look was when she was in sec 2.. and wad more the person is in a secondary school as well.. kinda freaky isnt it.. but yet it was mesmerising looking at the person seeing how similar they are.. how similar they behave.. how similar they portray themselves.. cant help but notice her over and over again.. even their hairstyle is the same..

the first time was the VJC.. the harmoc exchange.. i was enjoying the music when i suddenly spotted someone so familiar.. i was shocked.. she should not have been there.. she cant be there.. the doppelganger was a secondary school kid.. but my friend was the same age as me.. moreover the school was different..

the second was at our SYF.. this time was even more freaky.. i was clearly very calm and still she still looks the same as my friend.. it was not a dream but real.. but it is really possible for such similar people to exist at the same time even though its at a different time frame? what will happen if they meet.. what will happen when they grow up.. what will happen in the future.. nothing can be predicted.. the future is undetermined.. so seize the things precious to you before they get snatched away.. before the opportunity disappears..

have you seen yours?
will you meet one?
undetermined..
uncertainities..

be scared..
be afraid..
for once you die..
you will never get the chance again..

the days

2009-05-01T00:05:00.000+08:00

i have said it once.. said it twice.. even thrice but it does not sink in.. to be exact, it does not even appear in real life.. it is nothing more then a fraction of my imagination.. nothing more, nothing less.. craziness.. insanity.. that is wad that is constantly evolving around in me.. illusions, delusions, split personality.. i don know to say about myself anymore.. sometimes it does not even seem like me.. but yet i know its me.. for this is me.. a unique yet common individual.. i am me..

sometimes things are obvious enough for me to realise it without u telling me, yelling it to me.. or even taking it and smacking it in my face.. i know wad i am doing.. i know wad i am thinking.. i am not a blur idiot that only stands there stoning.. there is no point in forcing something.. no point in telling me something of the future, present or past.. it is merely something useless and unnecessary.. i do not need such a thing.. neither do i want such a thing.. life is tiring, boring, something that is.. 2012 prediction.. if only its true.. if only its real.. not just a prediction.. of something that seems so fake.. so obviously a mad scientist's idea or theory..

syf.. nothing more.. nothing less than a "stomach of anger".. imagine how hard we practised.. remember the hard work and effort placed in perfecting our scores.. dynamics.. emotions.. sitting arrangement.. even our attire and our presentation.. make-up!! its damn insane.. all we got is silver but its not the silver that anger us.. it is the overall result that everyone got silver.. cant they even differentiate the good and the best?! might as well just scrap the judging and just give everyone a COP.. saying wad that there are different grades of silver? giving us the purity ar? lame shit.. i do not care that if we are not the best but is it the fact that they did not give an answer to us.. quoting from from pos, "its like waiting for an answer for 100 years, only to hear the answer i don know".. its lame, seriously lame.. make so many of our friends cry.. its not worth it.. just not worth it.. if the tears are shedded over not being the best, i will gladly cry along for the effort we placed in.. but for a no answer, seriously forget it.. they should be glad that their face has no harmoc mark on it.. come on octave, don care over it.. if u need to vent just throw our harmoc at them, we got 2 chances at them sia unlike the other sections.. feels bad for pos and hb.. i cant take girls crying.. i will get into a personality that is unlike me.. too concerned.. too..

laser quest.. have you play it before? i just did for the night adventure in the boarding school.. this kinda made everything worth it.. i was even late for the event, meeting the "power station" at gate.. a miracle that she dint even bother scolding me.. running around with the laser gun was tiring but yet fun.. tactics are typically just for show, only to be improve upon on execution.. cover fire.. friendly fire.. the number of times i was killed by enemy fire < number of times killed by friendly fire.. it was fun.. especially if you have alot of ppl playing around with you.. solaris rock sia.. champions again..

if only the world dies..
everything will be better..
no problems, no nothing..
if only..

the experiences..
the fun and laughter..
are the things that are really important..
but its the medal that proved they existed..

the broken

2009-04-25T21:52:00.002+08:00

tired.. I am really very tired.. unreasonable demands.. unreasonable wishes.. unreasonable desires. this world is full of unreasonable stuffs that we have to do, have to strive for but the ironic thing is that I don really even desire any of it.. it's just my responsibility.. it's just my character.. it just me.. those that I really wish to do, wanted, desire, wished for, never came true. countless of times, I have hoped.. hoped.. and hoped again.. only to have my hopes and dreams crushed and trampled upon.. is this world really one that makes you happy? strive for happiness, think positive, it will come true one day, if you placed enough hard work, results will appear.. countless of times I have heard these words.. no matter much I tried to believe, eventually it will numb as such words ever shows the truth is says.. that is if it holds any truth within.. the real is the fake.. the fake is the real.. so which one is real and which is fake..

I am tired of everything. I want to throw down everything and just die. nothing seems real to me anymore. a day is a dream. or should I say dreams seems more real than reality. is this really reality, one which crushes all your hopes and dreams? if that is so I rather that I stay asleep for eternity and never to awake again. tired.. I wanna give up.. I wanna forget.. if only time can be reversed.. nothing like this sort would have happen.. I would avoid it.. prevent it.. if only..

i know what you mean.. i know what you are saying.. i know it.. i just know it.. even before you say that word.. even before you thought of it.. the moment you look at me.. i knew.. but its still hard to accept it.. i know.. escaping is never really a way to solve the problem.. over time the problem will ascend.. it will get worse until it can never be solved.. but still.. still.. i tried.. i really did.. i am really tired.. tired of all this.. cant everything just restart? or just let it end..

dreams are meant to be enjoyed..
not to be mixed up..
reality are meant to be slapped straight in your face..
not to be missing from your life..

to start, take efforts..
to continue, takes even more effort..
but..
to end it, it is torturous..

the dreams

2009-01-16T23:22:00.001+08:00

a new year.. new beginnings.. new dreams.. new future.. is this all really true? not only once but twice.. i have been reminded of my past.. once on 105 travelling back home.. a route that i have not touch in more than a year.. again on the bus.. my pri sch mate which i haven met for ages..

all these reminded me of the past.. remember the class when i just entered sch.. self introduction and eventually leading up to what kind of dreams do you have.. my past dream.. i remembered clearly.. it was to become a doctor.. never knew how foolish it was until i grew older.. the reality is harsher than it looks.. results is everything it seems.. at that time.. without good results u get nothing.. no dreams.. no future.. now its even worse.. not only good result.. recommendation letters and many other stuff is now needed..
if reality is good to u, it means it just luring u in deeper to crush you.. it has always been harsh.. never has it been once good to me.. not once.. not the past.. not in the present.. and most likely not in the future..

dreams.. again reminds me of the endless dreams i had since last year until now.. many dreams be it nightmare or happy dreams.. i cant never remember all of it even if i just woke up from it a moment ago.. like the present happiness in front of you.. it will just vanish.. but dreams that give a very sour feeling, i can always remember it, no matter how long it was ago.. just like the sorrow and pain.. no matter how hard you tried to shake it away.. it just stays..

as i recalled those dreams.. i never failed to become quiet and remain silent as i know one of these days, a even worser dream will appear.. or worse.. coming true in reality.. its fate.. its destiny.. one which i cant escape from.. no matter how hard i try.. i am a unrealistic person.. i always mix up reality and dreams.. there is once i woke up from a dream.. sad.. i was nearly in tears.. it took me a while before realising it was just a big scam.. a scam called dream.. but i still remember the dream.. vividly.. and who was involved.. the one who can affect me that much.. the main character along with another.. another... another.. another..

but yet dreams have so much alternative endings.. the same dream could lead up to how many endings.. almost unlimited.. i suppose.. afterall its a dream.. one should not take it seriously.. but i cant.. it feels too real.. too real.. emotional pain is much worser than physical pain..

i heard your words and his..
i saw your hands and his..
i felt the pain..
i walked away..

i could still feel your warmth in my arms..
i could still see the pain in your eyes..
i could still remember your word you said..
but all i could do is hold you gently, close to me..

the regret

2008-12-31T23:00:00.000+08:00

have you ever regreted something in your life? regreted that you should not have done that? regreted that you did not seize that opportunity in front of you? regreted that you could have done more, done better?

i have regrets.. regrets in my life.. regrets for 2008..

i regreted ever coming to a jc..
i regreted joining 2 ccas..
i regreted ever trying to take on alot of stuff..
i regreted ever trying to accomplish feats that i have never tried..
i regreted keeping a secret of who i hate..
i regreted keeping a combi with i don like..
i regreted trying hard on something which i have no talent at..
i regreted not sticking to my basis..
i regreted avoiding the topic of my thoughts..
i regreted giving in to the slightest fear of failure..
i regreted trying my best for something that will never come true..
i regreted lying about lying..
i regreted not giving my best at my studies..
i regreted spending time on stupid things..
i regreted not waiting..
i regreted that i pursued everlasting..
i regreted i gave up something for nothing..
i regreted saying things that hurt..
i regreted my behaviour..
i regreted making wrong choices in life..
i regreted in trying to become an E person..
i regreted trying to just say it..
i regreted ever meeting people..
i regreted i was ever born..
i regreted changed my character on the surface..
i regreted for not taking things seriously..
i regreted for living my life like a dream..
i regreted for ever posting my last post..
i regreted..

regrets.. everyone has them.. its just the difference in amount.. in numbers.. and how much you regreted.. this post is partially dedicated to someone important in my life.. someone which has made a difference for just being there..[actually everyone did so] but this person attempted to make a difference.. which not many does.. nor is it significant to me.. at least..

the person once said to me"no one tags doesn't mean no one reads your blog. don't know how to cheer you up/change your perspective but remember you've friends like us. true friends. we wont disappear after graduation(if i get to graduate) & go separate ways. we will meet up, i promise. goodbyes are inevitable, but comes will still come. dont be afraid of opening up & getting hurt, cause at least you tried, and it happened. everything happens for a reason, including geeting to know people you know now, out of so many in the world. have faith in yourslef, cause others will never lose faith in you. good things fall apart so that better things can fall together." i was surprised at this.. surprised as the randomness of it.. surprised at the length of it.. abit too long winded ar.. i thought i will die before finish reading it.. k sorry for posting up ur words.. just felt tat i have to mention you.. someone who is special to me.. among all my friends, only 2 have become considered my best friends.. which i don hide anything.. one is lost forever.. i doubt he even recognises me now.. the other is you.. i mention it to you before.. if you still remembers.. thanks for all these kind words.. though i doubt i can heed them.. afterall i am pretty stubborn.. too stubborn for my own good.. but thats me.. its something that makes me, me.. thanks for your concern.. thanks for your time.. thanks for the randomness.. thanks for the thoughts.. many thanks which i shall not say, since it will take up too much space..

because of these words.. i regreted.. regreted for ever posting up that stupid post.. for making you worry.. i am sorry..

this are my regrets for year 2008.. those that i wish for it to have never happened.. to never exist.. and with this, happy new year to everyone of you out there.. enjoy 2009 since its here and 2008 has left forever..

time is something that never waits..
regrets are something that always exist..
chances are something that never waits..
choices are something that always exists..

forever waiting..
waiting forever..
for something..
for..

the alone

2008-12-24T22:32:00.003+08:00

i wonder how long have i since regain this feeling.. feeling of loneliness and unwantedness.. it just refuses to disappear no matter how i try..
insane gaming..
multiply outings..
coping in the room..
exercising..
and many others..

it just refuses to disappear.. i am alone.. one person.. no matter how they say.. "we will always be friends".. "if anything, call me".. "lets go countdown for Christmas".. i know deep within my heart that i wan to be friends.. i wan to call.. i wan to go.. but.. i never did.. i rejected.. i.. it was always the same ending no matter the route i take..
long bus ride around singapore.. eventually reaching home..
long mrt route.. eventually reaching home..
long walk.. eventually reaching home..

the destination is always the same, no matter how many other places u reach.. no matter how many memories are forged.. no matter how many bonds are forged.. no matter how many tears and blood that we sweat together.. no matter how we reach a mutual understanding.. no matter how we argued and eventually became better friends.. no matter how.. the ending is still the same.. parting of ways.. eventually forgotten.. memories are forgotten.. bonds are broken.. friends are lost.. its has always been so.. i have seen it many times.. eventually it will be so with my current friends.. that day will arrive sooner or later.. the feeling of loneliness creeps up to me each time i thought about it.. no matter how hard i shake it off.. it is always there to remind me not to overstep the boundary and become too close.. u may not know it.. i always try to keep u all from becoming too close to me.. a self erected barrier.. an impenetrable barrier..

alone is much easier.. no pain of separation.. no feelings of anxiety for others.. no nothing.. i wan to be alone.. alone.. afterall i cant interact well.. interaction is a pain.. something i should avoid at all costs.. but why am i doing the opposite.. when i know the obvious outcome.. regrets..

wishing everyone a happy Christmas eve and Christmas.. one which i will spend alone.. the cold weather exactly depicts my feelings..

a sense of loneliness..
a sense of sadness..
a sense of sorrow..
how to stop it..

repeating the same mistakes..
even though its obvious..
why..
i cant help it..

the quiz

2008-12-05T22:51:00.001+08:00

saw this on silvesta blog so might as well do one since i have so much free time.. haha how untrue is some.. especially the seriousness of your love.. is damn insulting to my personality.. some are true though.. and some are "omg really?! i didnt know i was like that.." lol somehow ifeel that this test is made for a girl? since like all the other quiz on the site is like for girls.. weird..

Your view on yourself:
Other people find you very interesting, but you are really hiding your true self. Your friends love you because you are a good listener. They'll probably still love you if you learn to be yourself with them.

The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:
You are a true romantic. When you are in love, you will do anything and everything to keep your love true.

Your readiness to commit to a relationship:
You are ready to commit as soon as you meet the right person. And you believe you will pretty much know as soon as you might that person.

The seriousness of your love:
You like to flirt and behave seductively. The opposite sex finds this very attractive, and that's why you'll always have admirers hanging off your arms. But how serious are you about choosing someone to be in a relationship with?

Your views on education:
Education is less important than the real world out there, away from the classroom. Deep inside you want to start working, earning money and living on your own.

The right job for you:
You're a practical person and will choose a secure job with a steady income. Knowing what you like to do is important. Find a regular job doing just that and you'll be set for life.

How do you view success:
You are afraid of failure and scared to have a go at the career you would like to have in case you don't succeed. Don't give up when you haven't yet even started! Be courageous.

What are you most afraid of:
You are concerned about your image and the way others see you. This means that you try very hard to be accepted by other people. It's time for you to believe in who you are, not what you wear.

Who is your true self:
You are full of energy and confidence. You are unpredictable, with moods changing as quickly as an ocean. You might occasionally be calm and still, but never for long.

the collection

2008-11-29T22:06:00.008+08:00

collection 1(22 nov)
lol dragged myself up at 7plus in order to help in newspaper collection.. was thinking that they need help.. but how wrong was i? quite wrong actually.. 1st block 474.. its was like so fast.. everything was completed within mins.. same goes for most blocks..

after lunch was giving out the flyers to blocks.. done in sections since lunch was with section.. cant believe hweebun and junyang actually went for lunch with their group first without waiting for us.. rah.. finished quite early.. far reach from what they expecet.. 5pm.. done at around 3pm.. then its discussion to go when.. to play.. guess where we end up? end up in huimin's friend's house playing asshole tadee with some playing mahjong..

i cant believe how similar life in all the aspect of various parts of my life.. sudden realisation.. when you are close to something, something will just pop up, blocking your way.. never allowing you to approach or proceed forward..

ironic.. my heart desires something and yet it desires it to never appear.. why so?

collection 2(29 nov)
to be done in section.. is that a thing to be happy? not to be if there was only 4 coming.. with shi rui's help, only 5 ppl.. 6 blocks is too much.. even 5 was hard.. in the end we only did 3 blocks.. we are too shorthanded.. dimissed after lunch..

after lunch to junyang's house.. from around 2pm we play bridge all the way until 6.30pm.. my legs ache..

desire..
desire to be torn..
desire to be held..
desires...

happy yet hurt..
hurt yet happy..
why..
i don know to smile or to cry..

the YLTC

2008-11-21T13:54:00.029+08:00

after 5 days and 4 nights, i am finally back.. back in the comfort of my home.. this camp really let me learnt more about myself and stuff which i actually have not noticed in my life.. recovery.. not possible.. over rated it.. instead more injuries are suffered.. sunburn, bruises, sores, muscle ache, blisters and lack of sleep.. but no doubt i feel i have become stronger and a side of me that has not appeared before.. but it maybe the just the after effects of the mental pain.. to forget through crazy stuff.. so now lets see what happen in these 5 days.. beware, its a super long post..

Day 1 (17th nov)
first day.. stupid me.. yltc.. report in shorts.. which part did i not understand? why did i report in LONG pants? crazy la.. first thing in the day was not smooth.. the bag was harder to carry than i expect.. i really shouldn't have bought a big sling bag for camping.. very straining on my single shoulder.. ended up with total arm power.. 1 arm carry all haha.. sad ar.. having to carry such a big heavy bag.. lol guess what is the first activity? not ice breaker, not land expedition but pumping position down.. which is punishment.. hai.. wad a way to start yltc..

ice breaker games..
game 1: to form a shape using string with us as pointers.. its kinda hard if you want it to be perfectly nice shape.. moreover we had to do some with our eyes closed.. forced us to learn each others names quickly.. but haha i came up with a way which is to number each of us and use that number for easier moving.. whereas every other group is learning the names.. haha kinda bad and kinda good..
game 2: take a m&m and based on the colour it has, answer a question.. i got orange which is to ask the most terrible thing that happen to me.. lol i remember one colour is tell others your first crush.. omg.. the teachers like so ba gua..
game 3: get people to sign on the paper in the box which the person has that characteristic.. like have parents who are ex-njcians.. quite lame but a good way to learn more about each other.. but we like chionging the thing so we don even know who signed for us.. haha.. so pointless activity..

the great egg drop..
materials to build a container for the egg to survive a drop from second floor.. 20 straws.. a roll of tape.. a plastic bag.. some newspaper.. a box of crayon.. a pole.. a piece of white cloth.. okay this includes materials for making the flag.. idea to create buffer for the eggs when it drops.. so air was blown into the plastic bag but due to our test run, we burst it.. ends up we have to put so many tape to seal the holes.. lol with like a 5min making, we send it flying down and bye bye to the poor egg.. sianz ours was the only one that broke..

land expedition..
time to run around the whole of singapore.. first to leave the school but ends up everyone is still on the same bus.. 4 groups heading to the same destination.. lol but only 3 got on the bus haha.. the 4th group missed it.. Labrador reservoir, our first destination.. amazing race style haha.. with all our heavy bags.. first destination was thought to be wrong.. since no teacher was there when we reach.. turns out that after around 20mins of searching.. the teachers arrived.. LATE!!!! they never expected us to reach so early.. omg.. next stop chinese garden.. and its raining.. though it would be nice to go somewhere which i am familiar with but end up it just have to rain.. hai.. this time is still lost again.. the teachers just loves playing hide and seek with us.. end up soaked in rain searching.. good thing my bag is kinda water-proof since it has a double layer.. blisters started to show.. and hell the back of my shoes was stained with my blood.. good thing vampires don exist otherwise they will come after my shoes.. lol next stop vivocity.. lunch was there.. lol this time is the teacher who found us.. we actually missed her.. lol.. haha trip to vivocity= continues to sentosa!!! lol kinda waste of money.. tram ride in for less then an hour before leaving to head to changi.. the east coast hawker.. wad lagoon place.. don exactly remember.. but its a hell long route from there to our campsite which is the chamlot campsite.. that NHHS's sec 3 camp was held in 2006..

night cycling..
lol ours was supposed to be on tues.. tuesday!! due to poor group 4 being so slow, we had to take their place and cycle with our poor tired legs.. hai.. lol 40km ended up with around 25km route.. somemore we have to keep dismount and push lor.. so not fun.. lol my cycling really sucks.. kept lagging behind.. turn in at around 12.45am.. wake up time is around 7.45am.. 7h.. not bad actually..

Day 2 (18th nov)
sea expedition
kayaking!!! very fun!! just that its the bringer of pain.. pain.. pain from the sun.. sunburn.. hai.. 2nd injury of yltc.. sunburn.. turned dark in just an afternoon.. lol partner a girl from group8.. called pinfang? not sure.. don exactly remember her name.. haha at first we were like.. "shit we are drifting off again", " turn right, turn right/ turn left, turn left..", "omg overshot, turn the other side".. damn funny.. lol also lagging behind again.. lol then we came up with the dip right then we all dip right.. not bad, from then on we managed to stay in the middle.. haha but still the overshot problem persist.. hai.. we are like so sychronised with our rowing that one of the instructors actually asked if we are a couple?! wth i just only met her that day la.. lol after like rowing to bedok reservoir for lunch, we had to row back.. lol kept splashing seawater into my eyes, blinding myself.. haha.. stupid lor.. the instructor actually wanted all of us to stand on top of our kayak la.. back and front row individually was okay.. but everyone all stand was like kinda impossible for us.. failed terribly.. i end up falling into others' kayak.. haha.. good thing i dint fall into the sea otherwise i will have to say bye bye to my specs.. lol capsize.. forced to capsize.. lol capsize twice cuz when we are trying to get up from the first capsize, lol the kayak overturn again and off into the sea we go.. lol somemore we took out our socks and shoes and placed them in the kayak.. lol then it capsized.. lol one of my sock became a PR in the sea.. good thing our shoes float otherwise on wed, we will have no shoes.. haha..

leadership talk..
lol its more interesting then i expected.. the instructors were very funny.. though i was not exactly listening to their every exact sentence cuz my mind is tired.. ;p.. lol glad that they made us play games to learn and freshen our minds*( most of us are tired) first game was something called "do you know that..." a game that teachs us to speak up and over time once you get used to it, speaking up will be of no problem.. quite true.. nice skill to have.. game 2, a game which u get blindfolded and had to throw paper balls into a bin which u don know where.. haha.. damn messy.. we ended up throwing at the instuctor.. amanda actually hitted his head.. poor him.. track captain is indeed the track captain.. don under estimated her.. learnt that we need a leader to lead otherwise the person doing the stuff will not know what to do.. third game.. one which u are supposed to write a story with one person writing one word without communication.. haha the story that came out has totally no meaning at all.. super funny.. learnt that communication is need to accompolise things and we need people to initate otherwise nothing will be started.. 4th game was to build a bomb shelter with some balloons and new papers and some tapes given by the instructors.. they are super biased to one group la.. lol but it was supposed to be lesson.. one that tells us we should not be biased as it will lead to unrest and never to give the job only to the people which have proven themselves.. give the others a chance too.. very true.. i shall practise that from now on.. chance.. may the chance be given..

lol the final was a quiz that tells us wad kind of a leader is one.. sorted into 3 kinds of leaders with 14 questions.. 5,5,4 was my result.. so balanced ar.. so i am a mixed leader? don know.. so weird.. reporting time was around 7.45am on thurs since the others have to cycle around 40km.. lol my butt already hurt with 25km.. they are gonna feel the pain.. especially guys..

Day 3 (19th nov)
rafting..
first thing we did was actually to REMOVE our specs.. lol funny isn't it? we are afraid of it falling into the sea and becoming a PR there.. i rather be blind for a day rather than for a few days.. haha.. but somehow it was really a bad choice since we are being taught how to tie rope for the raft.. totally cant see a thing and of course wad did i learn? NOTHING!!! my poor group members have to tie but i can hold.. forced us to like cheer and sing for the ropes la.. the best group gets to have more ropes= more secure.. ok it depends on the structure too.. lol not fair.. suddenly we have to switch rafts around.. we ended with group 6's.. which was totally messed up.. not symmetrical.. and all the ropes are like tied weird.. instead of building a raft, we ended up trying savage it.. its quite a good savage i would say.. we managed to set sail on it without capsizing and we managed to get all 11 of us on it.. not bad.. not bad at all.. lol and we got first for the result rafting haha.. so ironic..

dragon boating..
lol dragon boat.. said to be 240kg.. that's heavy.. lol 4 groups was split into 3 since there was only 3 instuctors and too little ppl cant exactly move the dragon boat fast.. so in group 3 for dragonboat.. lol learnt 4 signals.. up, ready, dip, pull.. up was to hold the paddle up.. ready was to hold it in about to dip it into water position.. dip well dip la.. pull is row back lor.. haha then off we set then we are to create a new name for the dip and pull.. and we came up with.. red, bull.. lol redbull gives u wings.. lame.. so we end up shouting redbull while rowing to sychro our rowing.. pretty effective.. played some balancing games on the side of the dragonboat with rachel screaming.. and more screaming.. i was glad i was not sitting around her.. phew.. haha.. oops.. she better don see this post.. lol capsize practise again.. damn.. i was stuck under it.. someone whacked me.. and the stupid life jacket keep making me floating until i cant dive down and come out of the dragon boat.. good thing i held my breath before the capsize practice start otherwise u will not see this post.. though it may have been a good thing to die there.. then i will not have to undergo the pain anymore..

alumina talks..
expected to be like ex-yltc participants and should be j2-4.. the ex part was right.. but omg the age is a big no-no.. they are like 40-60 of age.. very experience ppl.. one was actually from the pioneer batch of njcians.. lol in the past yltc was supposed to be ELEVEN DAYS LONG!!!!!! omg.. is super long ar.. lol one of the alumina actually said that he didnt bathe at all in these 11 days.. pity his group mates.. endure.. lol that was something to be learnt.. endure.. endure all the pain.. sorrows.. anything.. and eventually that alumina became one of the instructors for yltc[yltc in the past was organised by students for students] lol and in order to prove to one of the participants in the past that nothing is impossible, he ate the cockroach that the participant asked him to eat.. omg i am not gonna pity him.. i pity the cockroach.. getting eaten from such a reason.. poor thing..

Day 4 (20th nov)
hai.. the PT that day was nasty.. done in mud.. ended up we have to change.. good thing i brought extra clothes so my clothes was enough..

rope course..
its divided into 2 parts: obstacle and high ropes

obstacle..
lol got 4 of them in total.. kinda stupid.. but nevertheless need some brain power.. not eye power.. also some muscle power which we are all full of.. thanks for toughing us up though the PTs..
1st: spiderweb
basically just to get though some net in mid-air.. lol didnt complete it since 2 of us was stuck inside.. we didnt plan it correctly.. taughts us how we must plan our stuff though i always does so.. but never has it went my way once.. hai.. cant believe i managed to squeeze though one of the tiny hole.. think i kinda have a small build..
2nd: buddha's finger
easy.. just get 2 tyres out of a pole that looks like a giant finger from the ground and back in again as many times as possible.. only did it 1.5 times.. cant believe i was actually one of the lightest in the group?! insanity.. i really have a small build..
3rd: some dorm thingy?![forgot the name]
just get up a bump in the concrete.. which has quite little space.. then the person holding the flag have to remind motionless while we need to move him to a ramp nearby.. kinda like carrying a corpse.. just that its alive..
4th:bridge?! [forgot name also]
this is really getting to be like the circus.. walk through a plank in mid-air.. this tests your balancing skills.. haha then all of us have to stand up there and sing national dream.. which ends up to be national scream.. haha some of the girls[i shall not name who] kept screaming and screaming while we sing and the teachers irriate us with grass and pour water on us.. its insane sia.. but we complete it.. as a group..

high ropes..
lol 1st was something that have to jump of a pillar and catch a trapzee in mid air.. its like so far.. and the rope was like so tight that i cant bend my legs and jump.. so ended up jumping like a zombie.. lol like that of course cant catch la.. climbing up was still okay.. its like a cat climbing up is easy.. but getting down makes my legs goes wobbly.. had a hard time trying to stand on the pillar.. wenlin was like crying until.. when she was standing on the pillar.. she cant jump.. and i thought i was the one afraid of heights[rachel too]..
2nd was like some circus stances.. done it before le though.. but its still as scary as ever.. standing on a line with 2 line beside u for support.. had to clap once, twice then eleven times.. waa.. its swaying.. lol but i am smart this time.. i just close my eyes and chiong ar.. haha.. if u cant see anything, there is nothing to fear.. lame but true.. i wish i could close my heart like my eyes.. then there will be nothing to fear..
3rd was bi-scaling[think my spelling is wrong].. done it before too so its nothing.. only the starting is abit scary.. leaning back toward nothing is very hard.. no sense of security.. but as i remember the words i read.. this feel like nothing.. to be exact i wish i would just fall off.. but still i held on, lowering myself as fast as possible.. i wonder why? auto self protect function?
4th was zip-line.. this is totally brain-less.. just stand, clip all the safety on, bend your legs and you go bye bye.. as you fly across.. and get saved by your friends..

campfire night..
had to perform that stupid skit which i will never go into details.. its a memory that i don wan to remember.. gonna seal it and destroy it.. the fire was abit.. hai.. it wasn't a campfire at all.. totally has no feel in it at all.. the fire actually burnt out before we even started.. stupid teacher snatched our flag and broke it.. broke it into 2 when we tried to snatch it back.. lol he ends up with a little memorial on his face.. most of the skit was so funny haha.. i am sure they don wan to be reminded of it too.. so may it be a memory for only yltc 2008 participants.. now below is one cheer of group 5 oohmm..[the one that we kept using]

Oohmm cheer 1..(to be done in a circle)
5,6,7,8(by the person starting)
chewy, chewy oohmm ba ba(strike out hand in the middle of the circle)
aiya, aiya, aiya, aiya ya(form ur arms into an L and shake your hands constantly)[change the L to the other arm with each aiya)
ta le tam oomph(soft)
ta le tam oomph(louder)
te le tam OOMPH!(shout with all your might and jump up)

Day 5 (21th nov)
omg all of us expected this to happen.. no reporting time given the day before.. this means time to get awaken in the middle of the night for some activities.. it was better than expected since it was not pt.. we had expected it to be pt.. lol ends up becoming the final challenge for the yltc shield.. 10km[i think so] race to find our flag and return to camp site.. lol ends up that all the scores we gathered for the last 4 days actually only determines our starting advantage only.. being the third gave us quite a nice advantage.. so we start off with a oomph.. our pace was good.. i thought perhaps we could win it if we continued.. but fate always have something in store for us.. one of our group eventually cant take the pace and got sent off with another member accompanying her.. then a guy need the toilet.. lol no guys' toilet was around and so he ended up using a girls' toilet.. lol.. kept being overtaken.. until 7th place haha.. lol we managed to hold up to 2nd place though..

at mid-point.. time to find our dear flag which was broken.. hai.. everyone only has to find 1 but since ours broke into 2, we had to FIND TWO!!!! lol.. not a problem though since the teachers don exactly know how to hide stuff.. so easy to find.. haha.. eventually both members that left, joined back in and some how we managed to overtake a group to claim 6th place, while singing cheers, songs and i don what.. haha.. crazy day.. took around 1h 50+mins to finish it haha..

next up was actually cleaning the boys' toilet.. haha its flooding like hell la.. after bathing for so many days, we have quite a lot of laughs in it as well.. with our slippers suddenly decide to make a break for it and start floating into others' cubicles.. haha laughter is enough to kill.. so much sand in the bathroom.. took a while.. around an hour.. lol and we are scheduled to clean it in 2hours.. we are fast sia.. the coach took awhile to come and yeah i kinda fall asleep while waiting and on the coach.. lol Sunday oomph group dinner.. looking forward to it..

-edit:paiseh by everyone on sunday.. made me wait at bugis for nothing.. rah.. lol it was changed to 25 nov.. sorry but its my father's birthday so cant go with you all..

spoils of YLTC

1.experience
2.leadership
3.concern
4.a new mindset
5. all the things mentioned above..

haha if you like the experience you just read, go on and try join yltc 2009? haha but if you have the same experience, it means 1 thing.. the teachers didnt improve it.. haha

there was not a moment i forgot what you have written to me.. almost at every moment that i zone out, the words pop up.. wouldnt it just stop.. i really wanted it to be just a dream.. a nightmare to be exact which will not appear in reality.. but no its not.. i don even know if i can face you again.. even when you are so far, i could hardly handle it.. if it was face to face.. i don wan to imagine it.. its a miracle that i didnt show this side out in these entire 5 days.. its so hard to smile with pain in your heart.. but i did it.. i am starting to become an actor.. its scary.. imagine that the person next to you might be actually acting.. its scary.. there seems to be nothing that you can trust.. the more you trust, the more likely to get hurt..

P.S. btw your eyes was not wrong to see the date on this post.. i start on this since the first day.. its just that i am lazy to finish it.. so that why it appeared so late..

the camp

2008-11-17T21:53:00.013+08:00

surprised? to see tis post when i am supposed to be away? there is something called a scheduled post? felt that i should say something.. time is needed to heal wounds.. be it physically or emotionally.. same goes for fatigue.. expected to be totally tired physically after this YLTC.. already drained mentally.. will i be able to survive through this entire camp? i hope so..

totally unknown activities is up for us.. expected the first day to be amazing race to the campsite? what the hell.. with all our bags? crazy day ahead.. sianz.. in this camp, i shall conquer my fears and eliminate all those things that will bring me down.. a camp to train me to be a leader.. a camp to conquer my fears.. a camp to have fun.. a camp to recover..

be back on 21 nov.. 22 nov a day of fund raising for harmoc cum bonding session.. maybe too tired to go.. i don noe if i will go or not.. there is more than just fatigue that will hold me back from going.. so many reasons.. should i go? let fate decide.. friday shall be the day..

with this i will be gone until 21 nov.. until then cya all..

blow ur sorrows away..

with activities..

with fatigue..

with interactions..

wish to cry..

wish to hide..

wish to die..

why won't you give yourself a chance..

the idiot

2008-11-16T09:46:00.004+08:00

have you felt like an idiot? have you ever did something so stupid or crazy that you wish that you have never done it? or something so embarrassing that you wish to forget?

what would you do to let yourself forget? go emo in a corner? lock yourself in a dark room, hoping that you will blend into the darkness and disappear forever? or hug your pillow and cry until your tears run dry and its soaking wet? its a stupid thing to do..

with a pair of sore eyes.. i wandered in the dreams of mine.. no not dreams.. nightmares.. yes that's the right word.. nightmares.. how i wish my sub-conscious mind will stop reminding me of it.. continuous waking and falling back.. its a torture, a mental torture.. a night of sleepless.. a night of sorrow.. a night of nightmares mixed into reality.. i cant differentiate reality and nightmares.. not now.. since the past.. now its come true.. the nightmare is now a reality.. i wanna run.. run away from all these.. just quit it and go track.. then you can run away.. both mentally and liternally.. away from everything.. away.. from the source.. question mark now lies on my path again.. a split road.. which to take.. i refuse to make a decision now.. afraid that my emotions will get the better of me.. to make a decision that i will regret for enternity.. i shall wait until my body and soul becomes exhausted.. or for the other me to awaken..

once again another meaningless post..

tears are meant to flow..
memories are meant to be forgotten..
past is something to be seek after..
future is something to reject..

living in the past..
living in the present..
living in the future..
living in my mind..

the word

2008-11-15T23:05:00.002+08:00

all it takes is one word.. one word to bring me to the depths of hell.. one word to bring me to the skies of heaven.. one crazy word.. one crazy deck of cards.. one crazy result.. i may not say anything.. i may not do anything.. but just laugh it off.. but deep within my heart, its torn into shred.. shreds that is now a mess.. a mess that is enough to kill.. kill your heart.. kill your emotions.. kill.. kill.. kill.. lose it all.. lose everything.. block everything out.. block out all useless thoughts.. thoughts that does not matter.. thoughts that will only hinder you.. you.. come on.. this is your life.. don let others affect you.. block them out.. like how you did to yourself in the past.. why.. why.. why did you lock yourself up.. lock.. now the key is gone.. gone.. how to unlock it..

quit lying to yourself.. lying that you don need all of your personalities.. lying that your current personality is the correct one.. correct for? yeah for being crazy.. this is the worst path that you have chosen for yourself.. yourself.. you are an idiot.. an idiot beyond cure.. time for a change.. change back to the past.. people look towards the future.. but i don dare.. i am afraid.. afraid of what it holds for me.. scared.. i rather return to the past.. past which i know.. past which will not change.. which does not hold anything to fear.. so what if only sadness and sorrow is there.. its much better as compared to a life of fear.. fear of the possibilities..

confused.. my emotions are in tumoils.. i have always thought i am scared of something.. scared.. but yet its wrong.. wrong.. so wrong that i don dare to admit that i am wrong.. i rather keep it that way.. a way of baring people from getting close.. being too close is scary.. scary that they may know.. know all about me.. fear.. rejected.. rejected face off.. reject to get close.. reject all.. reject.. just reject.. keep a distance.. as far as you can..

i am sorry.. for abandoning you.. you.. my other half.. sorry about that.. for one whole year.. i thought i could survive without you.. but how wrong am i.. very wrong.. dead wrong.. i need you.. i want you back.. back to me.. i really regret abandoning you.. giving you up for this entire jc 1 year is stupid.. please unlock yourself and awaken.. awaken to protect me.. protect my heart.. before i go crazy.. crazy enough to..

a me that most don know.. resurface please.. a totally me me.. time for you to wake up, sleephead.. your current self can hardly take it any longer.. its breaking down..

P.S. those who know what am i talking about, mostly likely you are wrong.. there is TOTALLY no meaning in all these..

life is a dream..
one which turns into a nightmare..
time to wake up..
awaken to your senses..

unlock your soul..
yes..
the one within you..
to keep your sanity..

the chalet

2008-11-13T14:40:00.006+08:00

lol chalet, a place where you enjoy ur day with friends or family at a overnight stay in some "out of place" area(east) of course the place will have some entertainment.. lol just happen that cheap chalet(you know what are you) would not have it.. lol cant complain since its cheap and yeah our entertainment rocks man.. haha..

first my day begins with harmoc sectionals.. what a way to start a day.. so not interesting[not].. 11 nov is such a strange day.. going to huiteng's house for sectionals end up meeting zhi hao, my inno friend.. lol never knew he stay there.. haha now waiting for inno outing le.. countdown 37 days more.. so long ar.. yanjun seems so tired on that day.. i wonder if he already knew we are gonna celebrate his birthday le.. lol he seem kinda surprised and yet kinda already knew.. karaoke room for sectionals.. haha.. POS is so kiddy.. playing with the ampifier.. haha.. our ears have to suffer sia..

lol departing for the chalet was a long, long trip on the MRT to tanah merah.. then another long but considered short bus trip as compared to the bus.. haha subway for lunch.. supposing its the healthiest fast food as said by jiaying.. lol.. ended up shopping for clothes for yanjun since he forgot that there is s12 chalet?! lol funny sia.. lol chalet was like 2 bus stop away from changi village.. cant believe we are walking in circles while searching for the stupid chalet.. which we end up realising its not in the region we are searching for.. -.-lll

Fight 1
"the disgusting creature" quoted from zijia.. what is that? lol its no is not the bird, no its not the plane, no its not superman.. its a cat.. i got nothing else to say.. totally erm.. yeah lor..

Fight 2
lol next is the fight 2.. fight against? lol a super gigantic spider.. haha its like the ultimate size a normal house spider can get.. lol all of us lost.. but kahswee saves the day man.. it ends up in the rubbish bin lol.. poor thing..

Fight 3
lol fight3?! lol long can it get?! fight against the charcoal.. haha spam firestarters.. 20 plus ends up wasted.. lol it just refuse to burn.. not my fault.. k its all my fault.. cant blame me ma.. i not from uniform group de.. i am from inno.. inno i say.. lol 1st time starting is quite good le ar..

k barbecue.. i thought i said i will refuse to barbecue?! lol ends up i was with the few who kept on barbecuing for the sake of it.. until nobody wants to eat le.. haha how ironic.. until we have to feed all the cute cats that kept on surrounding us like hell.. so many haha.. at least 6 was there.. haha kittens are cuter but the adults one are like more impressive.. but they are bad.. refusing to share food.. bad cats.. especially the adults.. lol why attack me.. i fed you la.. hao xing mei hao bao.. hai.. ebil cats..

lol night cycling.. the ultimate.. i will never forget it man.. 1 sore butt.. 2 sore arms.. haha around 30+km of cycling from changi all the way to downtown east mac for well.. mac la.. lol..

Fight 4
lol another fight?! crazy le.. this is a chalet for goodness sake.. lol but its a fight against the ZzZzzzZ monsters.. haha a cycle to the morning la.. haha exhuasted everyone.. so many lost the fight against it.. i got the proof.. but no way you are gonna see it.. haha

never have i been once seen so many people who is happy to be the asshole and bitch.. haha asshole tidee[correct spelling? erm who cares].. haha cards games all the way..

changi village, a place full of memories.. with 08s12, new memories are found.. memories that are special.. a invisible bond now lies..

one long dark winding road..
one that never ends..
one that is fit for..
one who is a loser..

in the dark winding road..
thoughts flows..
thoughts of failure..
i will persevere..

the aimless

2008-11-10T21:53:00.005+08:00

life for the past few days = roaming around aimlessly(okay with some stupid aim but mostly just walking around looking) thanks to my 2 very pro and very knowledgeable secretaries.. thanks to both of you.. haha sorry for making both of you walk the area with me.. haha.. sorry about your salaries.. me a very poor boss.. so ur payment is that lor.. haha so now i will act like yan jun.. in the future if i ever become a boss, i will headhunt both of you down and hire you as my secretaries.. haha of course the pay will be good if i am a very qiang boss haha..

kinda stupid but yeah, it has to be done.. the search for the hidden treasure have now ended but now its only the puzzle that lies before it.. solve the puzzle before continuing.. haha..

next up class chalet.. a estimated 2 day + night of endless fun (includes slacking).. bound to be exhausted.. 3 day 2 night chalet but i will only stay 2 day 1 night.. sorry about that.. but yeah i got stuff i need to settle..

life is nothing but a puzzle..
a lifetime to solve..
without any guarantees..
for a life of success..

one aim..
two person..
one decision..
two results..

the slack

2008-11-04T19:01:00.003+08:00

how far could one get with a substandard presentation? how far do you think? seems to be pretty far i supposed.. Monday.. a day of at last 2 dry runs and loads of practices ended up with an anyhow dry run.. and a afternoon of bridge all the way until 6plus.. haha wad a crazy idea and way to destress[slack] for today's OP.. haha but nevertheless its seems to work and OP was okay.. just okay.. only kena the weird qn only.. afterall only second time kena weird qb ma.. while others juz take the usual qn.. without a weird qn even once..

life is about what you are searching for.. that is the meaning of life.. the search.. but how happens if you can't find the thing you want? do you continue the search or give up? the easy is to change target or simply give up.. which way will you choose.. i am stubborn.. refusal to give up on the search.. i will keep going on, no matter how hard it will get.. how painful it maybe.. i will continue.. even though there will likely be no result..

futile search..
futile efforts..
futile resistance..
futile results..

a sour feeling, jealousy..
faked a grin..
acted as if nothing has happened..
why is this happening..

the box

2008-11-02T15:54:00.001+08:00

have you ever heard of the Pandora's box? i am quite sure most of you have heard about it.. a box that holds all sorts of evil, illness and pain.. all these were released into the world, leaving only hope left in the box.. all these led to pain and sufferings.. no matter how precious one is to the others, they will not be spared the sufferings.. even if these pain must be suffered, if only this pain could be shared.. no matter how little, as long as it could reduce the sufferings.. but there is nothing one could do about it.. all one can do is provide encouragement and stay by the side..

pain from the heart is juz as painful as the physical pain.. so how will u escape such pain or will u take it head-on? 2 choice,1 decision.. both may lead to the same outcome but definitely different experience.. experience.. in the past[primary school], experience was something i don wan.. i don care and definitely something i will give a miss.. but as time pass[secondary school], it ends up coming something i wan but guess wad.. not real life experience, but game experience which will let your character level up.. haha how ironic.. of course interest never beats passion and nature.. and experience was yet given up upon.. now [JC], experience is forced upon us.. learn to take it or should i say, learn to enjoy* it.. but no doubt some experience i wanted to have it.. but like i said is want.. as econs always says, scarcity.. so no doubt i will not get it.. just quietly wait until the day arrives.. or will it arrive in the first place..?

totally felt like an living dead or it is a dead that is living.. quoted from a manga..

his, last choice, die, to live..

will i take the same path? i don know.. living is a pain, with so much.. totally understand why people says that we are here in this world to suffer.. if i die, will i carry on living in hearts of those who cared? or will i simply vanish into the thin air..

P.S. thanks [in no order of merit] KS, ML, MT, HT & ZJ for your treat on friday.. all the best for your OP :) of course all the best for my group's too.. juz 2 more days..

if only pain could be removed..

if only i could suffer it in your place..
if only i could do better..
if only..

suffer the pain..
live the pain..
win the pain..
for the day without pain..

the beginning

2008-10-30T20:02:00.000+08:00

dry run 3.. 3 times the boredom.. 3 times the speed of presentation.. 3 times the problems.. 3 times the agony, 3 times of nervousness.. 3 times the... this list can go on and on and on ( x infinity).. i hate dry runs.. but they are necessary to prepare us for OP.. sianz.. let me try countdown.. 4th nov OP at 9 am.. around 5 days left.. juz 1 more insist on it.. 1 more insist to the end.. end of the old beginning but yet the beginning of a new end.. we are all in this together.. we are not alone.. juz that some of us may end earlier, some will end later but eventually, all of us will reach the end.. where a new beginning awaits us.. but why the new beginning holds so much uncertainties..? can't it juz be a beginning that will be happy? why will there be fear and sadness in it.. no matter what, i want to be there, be there for you.. even if it will end up with juz more crazy behaviours and emoing.. go ahead and laugh.. go ahead and ignore.. go ahead and scream.. i will be there.. juz there..

some say ignorance is bliss..
some say ignorance is a sin..
so wad is it..
the answer lies within you..

the beginning of the end..
the end of a beginning..
awaiting for the answer..
that will not come..

the day

2008-10-29T21:07:00.000+08:00

once again, the school never fail [not] to surprise me.. an entire day was wasted.. okay half a day to be exact.. another sianz day.. PW dry run 3 is tomorrow.. why is there so many dry runs? 3? wasn't it supposed to be 2 initially? why is there a third? is it cuz we are like too weak? stage fright is not something u can overcome with just practices.. same goes for feelings.. u cant juz change it.. time is needed.. of course the length will depend on the person.. for me, i think i will take years.. stage fright has been with me for as long as i remember.. remove it? or keep it? but i don think the choice lies with me.. preferred to treat it like a parent.. when i am matured enough, it will leave by itself.. i hope.. but hope is just a way to comfort yourself.. so time to stop hoping and let your actions show your resolve..

my bad record has once again been mentioned.. haha.. but ur intuitions were correct.. i was doing it.. but juz at that moment i wasn't doing it only ma.. haha..

smiles are meant to be given..
care is meant to be shared..
love is meant to be accepted..
tears are meant to be swallowed..

even if it will not be returned..
i wanna keep giving..
even if it will not be an outcome..
i wanna chase after it..

the snow

2008-10-26T21:01:00.004+08:00

lol was looking at a visual novel and came across this.. so juz post it up since it fits my blog theme so much.. edited it abit to suit my emotions.. haha..

a world, surface of white..
snow..
yes snow..
continuing to fall even now, it covers my body in white..
ahhh..
what am i doing in such a world..
since when have i been alone in this place..
buried in snow was my hand..
that hand, it was holding something..
pulled it up..
a hand of pure white..
it was a hand..
but whose is it?

the resolve

2008-10-25T20:46:00.003+08:00

why are humans so indecisive? no matter how you disagree with this, you will find that deep within your heart, you are indecisive.. search within your soul for the answer, the reason for this behaviour.. but that's one which you do not find but told to you by your close friends.. so have you found the reason? not me.. what does this imply? i don wan to say it.. i don wan to admit it.. i don wan to know.. i just wan it to remain the same.. yet why i wan it to proceed.. indecisiveness.. yet proven again..

find the resolve.. seek it.. but that is yet something i wan to create and yet don wish for it to be created.. create for hope.. yet its creation implies more disappointment.. why? so shall it be formed? i don know..

seek, will you find it?
ask, will it be given to you?
knock, will it be opened?
wish, will it come true?

just want to remain ignorant..
just want to remain the same..
just want to remain distinct..
yet i can't bare it..

the obstacle

2008-10-22T20:17:00.004+08:00

totally unable to control.. juz like the guns i touch today.. all i can do is find the target, aimed and give my best shot at it.. but all i get will only be a recoil.. no results.. efforts placed are not enough.. or did i place not enough, the efforts? ignored.. or avoided? all i can do is look, afraid of being seen.. afraid to say.. afraid to try.. will such obstacles continue to lie on my path?

obstacles are always there.. it is juz whether do you overcome them.. is it juz me or is the path that lies beyond me is shrouded with obstacles that i feared.. juz one wrong move is enough to end everything.. don dare to proceed.. this is not a game.. which you can press the reset button.. no 2nd chance.. no nothing.. beat down on it? or get beat down?

are obstacles meant to be overcome? or are they meant to overcome u?
unable to do anything.. juz wanna give up.. yet something within me pushes on unknowingly..

feelings of lost..
lost of feeling..
fear it..
yet seek it..

lost in a path of darkness..
but i believed..
what lies beyond the darkness..
is a destiny i want embraced..

the unreachable

2008-10-21T21:23:00.002+08:00

it has always been so.. unable to reach, unable to express, unable to do anything.. why is it always.. its a choice isn't it? a choice to reach out and grasp or to just stay silent.. why i juz always have to choose the silent option.. is it cuz of fear, cuz of shy or rejection? or all of them.. i don know.. why juz cant i attempt it again? is it juz because of what i said in the past? one wrong move.. eternal atonement.. i want to become stronger.. strong enough to beat down all my weakness..

will you snap out of delusion or will the world snap out of its delusion?

in delusion.. trying to trick myself to believing.. that everything will go what its supposed to go.. but i know everything is nothing but an illusion.. its all fake.. i knew it yet i still held on to it as its the only glimmer of hope i could see.. hope is nothing but a way to comfort yourself.. so why.. i rather remain in delusion.. rather than waking up to reality.. or is it juz another delusion of mine.. the line between reality and delusions is blurred..

will my world become that of which is reflected in her eyes?
and
will her world become that of which is reflected in my eyes?
probably not..or should i say 100%..

nothing but a fool..
everything but a saint..
something but useless..
what will u be..?

just a tiny wish..
just a small action..
just a day..
will you grant it..?

the pain

2008-10-18T20:12:00.006+08:00

officially this has now reach a week old.. kinda surprised that i kept posting each day.. there is juz too much.. too little time.. i wan more time.. not only time but contact time.. miss the days with nothing but free time.. if only i can get those days back.. i will use it wisely.. as if that i will get it back.. nothing but a tiny wish of mine..

omg open day is crap la.. with barely a couple of people around.. lol our lunch(dinner) at swensen was so XXX.. totally broke ar.. my wallet is bleeding.. so painful ar.. my wallet need blood donation.. any? looking at how jiaying and huiteng kill the bread was really.. oh my star star star star star[*****].. totally horrible.. painful ar if the bread is alive.. i really don wan to see them become doctors or worse enter an operation room seeing them as the one operating.. i think i will faint on the spot..

ignored or shall i say being too sensitive.. nothing to done at all.. juz wanted to create happy memories.. is that really impossible? juz because of what i said? anyway what did i say? is this all juz a delusion? going crazy.. all i hope to see is a smile.. but what i seen is a frown.. unlucky i supposed? or is it a hint? or is it a wish? i don know and i don wan to know.. crap or truth? figure it out yourself.. or should i say don bother.. since there will be no answer.. my world does not revolves around you.. but i wan it to be and yet don wan it to be.. such irony.. why?

air-headed at times and yet knowledgeable..
unrelated and yet totally related..
ignored and yet noticed..
love it and yet hate it..

secrets are meant to be shared..
thoughts are meant to be hidden..
kindness are meant to be shown..
love is meant to be given..

the silent

2008-10-17T20:10:00.014+08:00

never thought of this before.. loss of something precious.. i only accept it.. i hardly ever think about it.. looking at how jy is saddened by her loss of phone (actually she is sad about the loss of the keychain on her phone..) to different people, something is more precious then something else.. though most people will be sad due to the loss of the phone though.. though i may not have the similar mindset, i can understand her feeling of the loss.. for i too, lost something precious in the past..

lol POS told me such a weird story la.. do you really believe in such stuff? i think it exist because you believe in it.. ghosts.. believe it or not.. ur other part surely will not believe lor..
this reminds me of the anime i watched.. Ga-rei -Zero-.. an anime about supernatural monsters appearing and how a person who protects ends up destroying... i like this phase from this show.. sound so haha like...

will you kill someone you love, because of love?

even if like in the show, someone precious to me has turned evil and trys to kill me, i doubt i will resist though most people will definitely say defend or run away or be killed since being able to be killed by ur loved one is kinda happy thing.. resistance is not my strength but a deadweight that i carry.. lol i am not that strong to be able to kill my precious someone because of such a thing.. but i will kill the person to stop them from sinning.. before committing suicide to join them.. kinda of crazy but that what i believe.. love is nothing but something u say, only actions can prove it..

to be able to kill is a desire..
to be able to protect is strength..
to be able to be killed is bliss..
to be able to be true is will..

love and hate is nothing..
but two sides of a coin..
love it..
hate it..

the confused

2008-10-16T21:21:00.002+08:00

a day of practice.. a day of failure.. once again my words came true.. the more the efforts you place in, the lesser you will get back.. why is this always so? nervousness is something that i have always lost against.. its like an ant fighting an elephant.. near impossible task.. fate is something you can't seem to run away from.. no matter how many struggles i attempt, to escape, its all futile.. felt so helpless and powerless.. need a source of strength.. who or what can be it? i don know..

misunderstood.. seem that the one in confusion is me.. confused in my directions.. where am i heading..? i don know.. my world revolves around you.. make the decision.. i shall comply.. what path that i am led on, i will take.. with my best.. for its the path you chose for me..

the decision is yet to be decided.. what to do? i don know.. reason to quit or stay is the same.. such irony.. what to do? i don know.. i don know anything..

if only i know the thoughts..
if only i never enter..
if only i chosen another..
if only..

Faked a smile..
Swallowed my tears..
Held the pain..
Forced to carry on..

the hell

2008-10-15T19:49:00.005+08:00

have you experienced hell? i did.. not once but twice in a day.. the day of awakening.. awakening to my weakness and the beliefs that i had forgotten.. lost control again.. only to regain it.. amazed at how she is able to ignore all the fears i am feeling.. or is it juz a act.. i don know.. complete confusion.. wad to do? only to wait.. or is it that she is juz toying with my world? like a god playing with his creations.. i don know.. i don wan to know.. i juz wan everything to remain the same.. if possible, to improve.. but nothing ever goes my way.. it will only worsen i supposed..

first hell was my econs.. 100% efforts.. 100% failure.. perfect U.. how true is my words.. lost all emotions.. all i wan is to seek a place for solitude to cry.. but all i have is my phone.. which gave up on me.. forced to swallow my tears, fake a smile and carry on.. no matter how much improvements that seem to appear, its juz a transfer.. nothing has changed.. juz more sorrow and tears awaiting at the end of the rainbow..
next hell.. tech run for harmoc.. scorching hell on the stage.. are u sure we should wear black? free barbecue for the sec 4s ar? stage fright ar?! mistakes are occurring at a higher frequency.. i think? could it be the lack of scores? or being in the first row.. hell? being in the first row is really very nerve-whacking for me.. nervous.. first time.. i am juz a noob.. why am i in front? neither am i good looking.. so why? don get it?

lol after the "hot run", it was a "cold run". island creamery(did i spell correctly? lol who cares).. slowest eater.. come on.. enjoy the ice cream.. wan it to numb all my feelings.. wads the rush.. k i know after the "cold run", you wan some HOT day[date].. k i chomp down, resulting in my poor brain freeze.. really did numb.. but it thaw after the run for the bus..

OP training 1
with 1 asleep... 1 emoing.. training=failure.. left 3 of us.. and a spectator [okay should say 2 since edlyn came and joined in].. complete success[not] for the practice.. with yj and jy [un]sure of what they are saying.. like i am in any good shape.. with my stupid hand movements, manner of speech and the tendency to forgot.. what the hell.. why does the info keep getting lost.. is my mind like a maze? confusion illness is really getting to me.. hope for the best for tmr's dry run 1.. and of course our WR is like.. hai.. life sucks..

why does it seem that my posts are getting longer.. shit i am getting long-winded.. like a old man.. should stop it..

braving through the storm..
aiming for the rainbow..
hoping to find a pot of gold..
only to find a pot of sorrow..

with each smile..
the skies clears..
with each frown..
the storms rises..

the fallen

2008-10-14T21:15:00.004+08:00

life is nothing but a game.. which u can only lose.. no matter how much u achieve, there will always lie a path of destruction.. efforts from 10am to 2am is all wasted.. from juz how the teachers comment.. with no mood to cheer myself up.. PW, efforts input is juz as wasted with no EE but lots of AE and ME.. i wonder what was all the hard work for previously.. efforts is inversely proportional to results.. juz like in the past.. nothing has changed.. sorry, i shall repeat.. it has changed.. not for the better but for the worse.. this is crazy..

finally success with the birthday singing but silvesta was not around.. hey come on, juz practising 3 songs is like kinda of boring.. though i was kinda out of shape with my harmoc.. so many wrong notes.. why are we like shifted to the middle.. felt so out of place.. hai.. HELL why am i in the first row?! i am out of shape! OUT OF SHAPE! you get what i am saying?! i am so gonna screw up the performance.. lol today's PE was still dance and more dance.. come on i cant dance at all.. its like asking a sheep to fly? juz like trying to disgrace me man.. stupid PE dept.. math lectures are officially sleep inducing lectures.. fall asleep almost every lecture.. crazy ar.. wanna die ar? i got couple of weird seniors.. suddenly come take photo with me.. weird.. dare? or juz being lame? either way i don care..

totally lost my control of myself.. i dint wanna express it in such a way but yet i did so.. why? why juz cant i control my own emotions.. my world is now totally revolves around you and only you.. juz a grace from you is enough to make my day.. juz a frown is enough to sink me deep in despair.. i wanna stop all this.. but yet not.. ironic isn't it? hope is nothing but a way to comfort yourself.. one wrong move is all it takes to destroy your entire life.. shall i quit? back to the same question i posed to myself.. the same reason to stay.. the same reason to quit..

wanna give in to despair..
wanna give up..
wanna forget..
wanna..

ignored twice yet i harbour hopes..
with a smile awaiting at the end..
only to be utterly dashed with a frown..
nothing left to hope for..

the crazy

2008-10-13T15:55:00.006+08:00

omg! is this the third post already? dint i just say time will not be dedicated in my first post 3 days ago? and its seems that everyday i am posting?! WTH?! waaa junyang so pro la.. like can predict all my movements, all my methods to sing birthday songs failed... he escaped all.. rah nevertheless tmr he will not escape hahaha.. i shall triumph in the end.. haha..
not bad huh? my class rock man.. both chem and phy had significant improvements.. lol especially my phy MCQ... lol from the last in class to the middle.. kinda happy.. omg there is a pro shit in my class.. already top 2 subjects le... its crazy... will i be able to catch up by next year? i sure hope so..

i was blessed with a smile... a smile that meant nothing to her but everything to me..
i wanna tell her yet where is my courage..
what am i supposed to do?
i don know..
will someone tell me?

i am feeling sad again..
i wanna cry but i chose to swallow it down..
i wanna give up..
but yet the smile kept me on..

the sianz

2008-10-12T18:05:00.004+08:00

hai life is so tiring man.. early in the morning with cca participation.. sianz was late by quite alot.. good thing they didnt leave me behind.. though we had to comb like quite a number of units which drains our energy but yet its fun? lol my partner was actually scared of cats la haha... she is so gonna die if she had stayed in canteen during greenlink camp with the number of cats there.. haha wanna see that scene.. hai more PW stuff coming up.. OP is coming, open house is coming, everything is coming.. wad kind of sad life do we have... sianz sooner or later this blog will be found out.. lol this is juz the second day... come on... as if they will find this.. since i will eventually say it out.. haha

the birth

2008-10-11T22:12:00.004+08:00

todae marks the day that this blog comes into existence. but time and effort will not be dedicated.. sad for this blog huh? life is so sad.. studies, exams, promos, relationships, ccas and mental stress.. how can one take on all this..